Love him or hate him, the guy is everywhere. Sporting the same carefree attitude and devilish good looks (that sexy golden hair!) Donald Trump is quickly charming his way through the hearts of Americans. So today we’re counting down a list of the top 10 reasons to vote for Donald Trump!
10) He supports biblical values
Mr. Trump has been on record as stating that his favorite book is the bible, he goes on to claim that no one has read the bible more than he. The man is so devout that when asked about his favorite passage, he could not name one. He has obviously read the parts about how God favors the meek and giving tithes. (You know, 10% of your income). He’s also such a fan of the sanctity of marriage that he decided to have 3 weddings. The poor guy must have missed the part condemning divorce, but that’s okay, Kim Davis can absolve him of his sins since she was able to do herself that favor earlier.
9) He’s a political outsider
In a world that is ran by career politicians, he has never run for office, which means he’s not a politician. Politicians have never had other jobs; they just work in politics. Donald has never influenced political opinions or spent 1.4 million dollars funding political ventures before running for president. He’s never managed a city or town or state, but it’s a sure thing that he could run an entire country with no experience whatsoever!
8) He is a successful businessman
After only receiving a measly one million dollars from his father, he rose from such humble beginnings and built an incredible empire. He has never failed in anything he’s tried to accomplish, except maybe those four bankruptcies and a couple failed marriages. It’s okay though, he probably wouldn’t run our country into his fifth bankruptcy.
7) Muslims should be locked in prison camps
He’s been on record saying that we should keep those pesky Muslims out of our country as some of them might be terrorist. Better yet, we should round up the people of Islam in this country and designate internment camps in which they can live until we figure out what to do with them. Maybe we could build a chamber that fills with mustard gas to get rid of the ones we think might be terrorist. We could also perform experiments on them to better understand why these people became Muslims in the first place. We’d need the healthy ones to dig trenches to bury the bodies of the suspected terrorists… and then maybe we would have to shoot the diggers in case they decide to try to rise up against America.
6) We need more nuclear weapons
When asked about his stance on nuclear weapons, Mr. Trump not only supports building more of them, but also further suggests that he would use such weapons against our closest allies. That sounds like a great idea, if these “allies” don’t support us, we’ll bomb them until they’re gone or fully under his control. Isn’t instilling fear and compliance the greatest American tradition?
5) He’s got such a charming personality
Mr. Trump is always willing to comment on people’s appearance, beliefs, values and weaknesses. He’s not afraid to poke fun at the cripples or critique a woman’s looks. He’s always quick to insult and not afraid to shy away from social issues. He’s be a great diplomat when it comes to negotiating foreign affairs. After all, who doesn’t enjoy being called fat, ugly or stupid when they’re trying to reach a deal!
4) He supports women’s rights
When it comes to women, Donald has the right ideas! Women should be treated like a beautiful building or work of art, you know, things that people own or put on display. He gives great advice to women trying to make in the business world, suggesting they use their sex appeal to win people over. It makes sense, if you’re a woman you should use your body to be taken seriously, it’s not like good ideas and a strong work ethic really mean anything. Also, don’t go pumping that breast milk ladies; The Donald finds that disgusting.
3) He relates to minorities
There’s the fact that he wants that notorious wall built between Mexico and the US, which is a great idea because no one’s ever tried that idea before. (Looking at you, Germany and China) It’s definitely a great idea to distance ourselves from stereotypes as well, and he’s never used any Asian or Latino slurs in conversation. He raises women up by commenting on their sex appeal and overall pleasantness at which to look. He realizes that hard working and smart black men have so many advantages over whites, too!
2) He would use his money to fix America
Donald Trump is a multi-billionaire philanthropist. He’s got more than enough money to help fix the economy and rebuild the middle class. There’s no doubt that he’d probably use his own resources to stabilize the broken economy. He’s made a lot of money with the Chinese in the past, it’s possible he could borrow money from them as well. This idea would surely end well.
1) He keeps it real doesn’t lie like other politicians
The number one reason to vote for Donald Trump is that he says what’s on his mind and has no filter. This works great in foreign policy where other cultural customs would normally be observed so as not to offend a nation’s leader. He would do away with that diplomatic garbage and cut to the chase, showering insults until he finally gets his way.
In honor of how real The Donald keeps it, I will now confess that this was an April Fool’s joke, please, whomever you vote for, democrat or republican, don’t let it be this awful excuse of a person. You’re better than that America.